Twitch's Travel Diary - Part 1

Finally got a chance to sit down with Twitch Spolenski, Assistant Coach at the Lax Ranch and Phlebotomy Major at Russet Junior College, about his trip to South America earlier this year.

LR:  Twitch, can you give us some background on how you came to be in South America?

TS:  Blood and honey, Dude.  There was a group of phlebotomy students going to Brazil for the semester to study blood samples from Amazon natives and give free vaccines.  This one dude had to back out so they needed another person.  The recruiter chick was super hot and said we’d get there in time for Carnaval – that’s Spanish for Fat Tuesday - so I jumped at the chance.

LR:  Was it hard to give up the lacrosse season?

TS:  There’s not much that could pull me away but it was, like, a great opportunity to be part of the study and travel in a different country.  And did I mention the recruiter was a doll and a half?  Cute little pink scrubs…

LR:  So what happened when you got there?

TS:  Well, as it turned out I was alone on the flight – the recruiter lady didn’t actually travel with the group.  I got there just in time to drive to Rio for the big party, though, which was great.

LR:  Carnaval in Rio de Janeiro – it’s the ultimate party.  Was it everything you imagined?

TS:  Not at all.  There were drunk, half naked chicks everywhere, huge parade floats, music, and I missed it all.  As I stepped off the bus, some fool dropped a wine bottle out of a window and it knocked me out cold.  I woke up in the drunk tank the next morning with a Japanese tourist, three old men who looked like regulars, and this midget dressed like Elvis – except this little dude’s costume was made of whipped cream and glitter.  I’m sure he expected to be somewhere else when it dissolved – and we all wished he was.

LR:  Were you able to explain what happened to the police?

TS:  I did my best but did you know they spoke Portugese down there?  I mean, I listened to five Spanish tapes on the flight down and they don’t even know it!  Who the F%#@ speaks Portugese?  That country’s, like, across the freakin’ ocean!

LR:  So is Spain, actually...

TS:  Oh, thank you Mister Atlas.  Well, I found out, through some creative diagrams and a little help from the Japanese dude, that they found me on a heap of oyster shells in an alley behind some dive and I was charged with drunken vagrancy and solicitation – don’t want to know how they came up with that last one.

I was there until the end of the month.  Apparently they clean out the cells once a month and it’s easier to let everyone go then hose them out.  Three and a half weeks after being found on an oyster pile, I could have used a good bath myself…